MOST UNADULT ADULT TO EVER HAVE ADUTLED
So, for like straight up AGES I've lived with this unbelievably nerve-racking character trait of mine where I dislike others, in the sense that I don't want a relationship with anyone and have always struggled with keeping people in my life (sounds mad toxic, right?) here's the thing: I grew up in a military family and moved homes every 2 years, so aside from never having a 'hometown' or 'childhood best friends', I also had no time to actual adjust anywhere. I was always used to moving schools every couple years so I ended up developing a fear of others pretty early on. Didn't like group projects or 'TEAMING up' with people.

Well anyway, I recently came to the realization that this was very likely the reason I have problems with socializing and relationships. Like I have this thing inside me that has a fear of any long-term committment to others.

STORY TIME
About a year ago, I went on my first actual date (ik 24 years-old, never went on a date STFU) Anyway, It went mostly well, until I realized the guy I was with wanted a serious relationship with me on the first date. I know it sounds fucked up to date someone for fun, but it's not some new thing that people haven't been doing for millions of years, but I like freaked out after I got home and basically cut that connection right there.

My point is, I believe my childhood has turned me into a libidoless freak, who has like ZERO sex drive and doesn't seem to care for most people. It sounds super cold and heartless, but I guess I have just spent my whole life packing up and moving on as soon as I get comfortable, so it sort makes sense to me. (a lot of sense, actually).

And ik what you're thinking, "your dad must hate you!" actually, no. BOth parents are very supportive and have expressed their pride for me frequently. I think it's because they are also aware of what i'm talking about.

I remember my dad, many years ago in my youth, asking if I felt I had missed out on a good childhood, because of him being in the Army and us moving so much, and I always remembered saying I was happy to be taken care of and living a mostly safe and comfortable life, despite not having any close friends or other things that were sacrificed as a result.

But, as I've grown up, I've grown apart from that; But it's like a catch 22, on one hand, I wish I did have a normal childhood and lifelong friends, but I believe I wouldn't be as talented and hungry as I am. I also don't believe I would be as deep a thinker as I am.

It's not so much a problem for me now, as I have thought about it a lot and have come to a relative resolve. I sort of figured if my dad and mom are proud of me and support me the way they do, I may as well be torturing myself. LMAO